Living With an Unwelcome Transition

“A transition is a journey, destination and time of arrival unknown.”

We’ve been through many changes individually and as a society. Some have been gradual, others have been an instantaneous shock to our system. What we are experiencing as a result of the COVID- 19 pandemic is something that we could only have imagined in a dystopian novel or post-apocalyptic movie.

Change is the event (pandemic) in this case. Transition is how we respond to the event. It involves a psychological process of disorientation and eventual reorientation in which our perception of self and the world is altered.  We are currently in a time of profound disorientation as we make changes that we would not have considered a few weeks ago. We are on a journey and don’t know where we will end up or when. We don’t know in how many ways our lives will change and for how long.

Letting Go

Leia Francisco, author of Writing Through Transitions: A Guide for Transforming Life Changes, identifies the first phase of a transition as “Letting Go of the Old Way.” During this time we consider what aspects of our lives we must let go as we live in a new reality. We may feel that what we have known and hold dear is being ripped from our being. Even our most basic needs, as identified by Abraham Maslow, of health and well-being, freedom from fear, financial security, order, predictability and control, love and belongingness are threatened.

What are you letting go of? In what ways has your outlook changed? Have you always been a person who thinks positively and you now find yourself swimming in negative thoughts? Do you find yourself feeling hopeful one minute, noticing that the forsythia is blooming and the daffodils are beginning to open, and the next find yourself in a moment of anxiety wondering when and how this will all end? I know that I do. It’s important to recognize that whatever you are feeling is normal, accept those feelings and know that they will pass.

Holding On

Just as we experience loss during this transition, it is important to take stock of what we keep. We all have cherished values that have been with us throughout our lives. What are yours? Love? Beauty? Generosity? Hope? Kindness? Now is a good time to reflect on what matters to you. You might write down your values and find a way to include one of them each day.

There is much that is out of our control right now. It is important to remember where we do have control. I have control over how caught up I get in the news, over how I spend my time, over keeping in touch with people I care about. When I wish I could do something that is not available to me right now I remember how many things I can choose from to take its place.

What are some of the things that you are able to hold on to? Why not start a list and add to it as things occur to you.

Beyond the Basics: Five Ways to Take Care of Yourself

By now we’re aware of the things we need to do to protect ourselves. But it is important to find ways to care for ourselves beyond the basics.

Every day I read a multitude of suggestions about self-care during this stressful time. Some I can relate to while others don’t work for me. I cannot tell you what will work for you but I’ll share what works for me and you might find something that will be helpful to you.

1.      Keep to a schedule as much as possible. At a minimum try to go to bed and get up at the same time every day and get 7-8 hours of sleep. Keeping a schedule doesn’t mean planning every hour, but do plan some times in which you know what you will be doing. I am still getting up at 5:30 each day, making my coffee, meditating, and writing in my journal. Starting my day this way is comforting and puts me in a positive mindset. I have planned work and exercise times, times to connect with family and friends and times when I don’t schedule anything.

2.      Be informed but not overly informed. I imagine that we all feel the need to know what is happening as this virus makes its way in the world. We do need to be informed but in the interest of your mental health, limit the time you spend watching or reading the news. As someone who feels it is my responsibility to know what is going on in the world at all times, this has been hard for me. I turned off notifications from news apps a while ago and encourage you to do the same. I can assure you that you will get caught up if you check the news a couple of times a day. If you’re like me, this will be challenging, and you might have to gradually wean yourself from the news. Identify some things you love to do and go do them when the urge to check on the world hits you.

“Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude.” A.A. Milne

3.      Practice gratitude. When we are struggling through a difficult time, our hearts can feel contracted. Gratitude can go a long way in helping us to get out of our angst and connect to our world. Setting the intention to find things to be grateful for throughout the day is one way to focus on gratitude. Like all good intentions, it can be hard to remember to practice. Why not set an alarm several times a day and when it goes off ask yourself “what am I grateful for right now?” And why not express that gratitude to others? When you go to the grocery store, ask one of the people working hard to keep the shelves stocked how they are doing and thank them for being there. Thank the people who deliver your mail and packages, your pharmacist, everyone you can think of. It won’t be good just for them but will also benefit you. This might also be a time to thank the people in your life. Check out https://gratefulness.org/ They have free cards that you can send and also have a lot of resources.

4.      Practice self-compassion. We are likely experiencing feelings of compassion for people who are most affected by this virus. As a nurse, I feel great compassion for the health care providers who are out there every day saving lives. And there is often a wave of guilt that I am safely sequestered in my home while others are putting their lives on the line. That is one time when I need to practice self-compassion. Kristen Neff Ph.D defines self-compassion as: “a practice in which we learn to be a good friend to ourselves when we need it most – to become an inner ally rather than an inner enemy. The nurturing quality of self-compassion allows us to flourish, to appreciate the beauty and richness of life, even in hard times.” Feeling compassion for myself allows me to move on from feelings that are not helpful and explore ways that I might be of service.

5.      Find time to be quiet and reflect on your experience. Meditation is a practice that I have cultivated and find helpful. Right now it is difficult to quiet my mind, so I am using guided meditations that are available on Insight Timer. If you are not familiar with it check it out here. https://insighttimer.com/.  There are both free and paid versions. There are also other good meditation apps. Headspace is one and they currently have free resources. https://www.headspace.com/covid-19. Calm is another https://www.calm.com/

If you are not doing so already, consider starting a journal as a way to get your thoughts out of your head and on paper. There is much research on the benefits of writing for health and healing.

Take time at the end of the day to write down three things that worked for you and why they did. Consider how you might incorporate one of them into the next day.

Poems and Writing Prompts

Poetry can be a great comfort during times of sorrow and distress. Here are two that I hope will bring you some breathing space. I’ve also included some writing prompts if you would like to reflect on what you read.

The Appropriate Response:
Stock up on poetry not toilet paper,
Grace rather than guns.
Gorge on love,
Which multiplies like loaves and fishes.
Call people and talk for hours,
Fill their hearts with hope.
Hoard every sweet moment of your life
And then release each one into the world
To seed more joy.
Be stingy with nothing,
Least of all yourself.
Ensure the shelves of your heart never fall bare,
That your soul seeds new sprouts
And the wings of your imagination
Refuse containment.
May you realize what matters, who matters,
The rock that you can be,
When the world is shaking.
Stockpile only what is limitless,
And can be shared with all.

(c) Mary Reynolds Thompson

• Make a list of some of the sweet moments in your life, present or past. How can they sustain you now?
• What have you stocked on the shelves of your heart?
• What new seeds can you plant during this time of letting go?
• Where are the “wings of your imagination” taking you? How are they helping you to embrace freedom during this time of containment

Today, When I Could Do Nothing

Today, when I could do nothing,
I saved an ant.

It must have come in with the morning paper,
still being delivered
to those who shelter in place.

A morning paper is still an essential service.

I am not an essential service.

I have coffee and books,
time,
a garden,
silence enough to fill cisterns.

It must have first walked
the morning paper, as if loosened ink
taking the shape of an ant.

Then across the laptop computer — warm —
then onto the back of a cushion.

Small black ant, alone,
crossing a navy cushion,
moving steadily because that is what it could do.

Set outside in the sun,
it could not have found again its nest.
What then did I save?

It did not move as if it was frightened,
even while walking my hand,
which moved it through swiftness and air.

Ant, alone, without companions,
whose ant-heart I could not fathom—
how is your life, I wanted to ask.

I lifted it, took it outside.

This first day when I could do nothing,
contribute nothing
beyond staying distant from my own kind,
I did this.

– Jane Hirshfield

• What remains essential in your life at this time?
• What small acts of kindness have you noticed? How might you practice kindness?

Looking to the Future

“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo. “So do I,” said Gandalf. “And so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” JRR Tolkien

None of us wish to be living in this time. We must decide how to live with our uncertainty, grief, and fear. We must find light in the midst of darkness. It is there. Though it’s difficult to see right now, there are opportunities for creativity and growth. What opportunities do you see? What will you do with this time? I would love to hear your thoughts.

I wish you peace, comfort, and strength to see you through this time.